Greatest of the Cubs!

Last night we were watching the Olympic opening ceremonies. First of all, I didn't realize how many countries participated in that thing. Emma was getting a kick out of all the countries names, especially Djibouti \jə-ˈbü-tē\ . It made me think about the one time I participated in the Olympics. No really, it's true, I was involved in the 1988 Summer Cub Scout Olympics. I know that does not sound like much and maybe even a little like a joke, but that was 10 grueling events. Each event placed three boys Blue, Red and White ribbons. My first Blue Ribbon was won in the "Hammering Nails" competition. I hammered in 5 nails faster than any boy out there that day. All in all, I ended the day with 3 Blue Ribbons, 4 Red Ribbons and 2 White Ribbons. For you mathematically challenged folks, I placed in 9 of the 10 events. My friend Jeff had 5 Blue Ribbons, but only 6 ribbons all together. I just knew he was going to be the overall champion, after all he finish with more Blue Ribbons than myself. When that lady called my name as overall Cub Scott Olympic champion, I was shocked, but yet ecstatic. Now you know why I have such a good looking wife, that's for dern sure!

"Bobby Boucher Syndrome"

Time just gets faster and faster the older you get. My nephew is going to kindergarten in a couple of weeks. It seems like yesterday that we were driving the wrong way down a one way street in the snow to see Noah born at Baptist Hospital downtown Nashville. It is hard to believe he will be in school this year and it also scares me to think my little Emma will be there in only two more years. As I have been thinking about this major milestone, I tried to remember my kindergarten year. I am not known for my memory, but major events seem to mark the brain no matter what age you may be. I don't remember my first day, nor my last. I don't remember any of the friends I played with or what we even played. I do remember my teachers name...Miss Higgins. I also remember one event that left me with cold legs. As most of you know, most 5 year olds still need a nap. It was standard practice for the whole class to take a daily nap. I had what I like to call, "Bobby Boucher Syndrome". If you have ever seen the movie Waterboy, you know what I am referring too. So, nap time was not my favorite due to this little issue. I would never fall to sleep, but instead lay there nice and quiet, with my eyes shut enough to where they looked close, but I could barely see through the lashes. I am not sure why, but one day I was so tired I actually feel asleep and my biggest fear came true. Yes, I did it, I tinkled, t-t'ed, urinated, went pee pee, or however you say it in your house, all over myself and the floor. I didn't know what to do, so I just laid there until all the other kids had gone outside for play time. When I was all alone, I told my teacher what I had done and she was sweet and gave me the change of clothes my mom had brought at the beginning of the year for such an event. I thought I was safe. I didn't think anyone would notice I had changed clothes, until Miss Higgins pulled the shorts and t-shirt out of the bag. In Tennessee, when we start school it is still very hot and shorts and a t-shirt are totally appropriate. However, we were in the dead of winter and my only option was to go outside wearing shorts on a cold winters day. Of course every body noticed, wouldn't you? That is the day I became a "story teller". I know God has forgiven me for that chain of lies, but still have flash backs from time to time. After all, a reputation is a hard thing to keep, so a "story" is sometimes needed, that's for dern sure!

Could you Eat?

I have had many jobs in my life. My first job was at a recycling center. I have been a prescription delivery boy, sold running shoes, delivered furniture, cleaned bathrooms at a YMCA, watched children at a extended day program and many other part time gigs that prove to you that I am either very talented or one lost individual. The one profession that has alluded me to this day, that I always had some sort of desire to do, was to be a waiter. The closest I ever got, was Halloween 1997. By the way, we won first prize and were the hit of the party, that's for dern sure!!!

Laziness + Stupidity = Kaboom

I was listening to the radio the other morning and they were asking the question, "What was the dumbest thing you have ever done?" I thought I would throw the same question out to my 7 readers and see what responses I get. I will tell you mine and hopefully get some good ones in return.

My roommates and I had an old couch we wanted to get rid of. We thought of numerous ways of disposing of this sofa, and the most logical one we came up with was to burn it. One evening Chuck, Wade and myself carried the couch outside for the big show. I am not sure which one of us had the idea to pour gas on the couch, but we all agreed it would help. Actually it did help and the sofa was burning just fine. The party started when a thought crept into my tiny brain to throw the last little bit of gasoline onto the fiery couch. In my hand was a milk jug with a few drops of gas left in the bottom, which I thought may make a quiet little boom and maybe a bright light. I tossed the jug from about 15 feet away as I would if I were pitching a slow pitch softball to Barry Bonds. Before the jug even reached the couch, the fumes ignited sending the jug like a rocket away from our house. As most of you know, if a rocket is going one direction, that means the fire boost is going the other. What I thought was my life flashing before my eyes, was actually a giant ball of fire heading directly towards my manland. By the grace of God my jeans were the only things singed that night. Emma is alive today thanks to that near miss, that's for dern sure!

Girls love baseball too!

As I mentioned earlier, one of my loves is baseball. I could watch any two teams play at any level. Having a girl as my only child, I wondered if she would embrace my passion and join me for a game or two. By the grace of God, she does and we do. A few weeks ago, just Emma and I headed to a game to watch our very own Nashville Sounds. She was so excited to see "the big boys play", not the "little boys" that I coached in Little League. As we walked in to the stadium, "All my Rowdy Friends" was playing on the loud system. My 3 year old daughter looks up at me and I quote, "Ooh, Daddy, I like this song, I need this on my ipod". What has this world come to when a child that still needs help poopin' can download Hank Williams Jr. I am scared to know what my grandchildren will be able to do, that's for dern sure!

Blue Childhood

Do you remember getting fat? I do, 5th grade. My 10 year old baseball picture makes me look lean and fast. However, my 11 year old one looks like I spent the year preparing for the role of Humpty Dumpty in the school play. As an athlete this was a big hit to my ego. Besides not being able to run as fast, I didn't look as good in the baseball pants. The summers weren't too bad since most of the girls never came out to the fields, unless they had a brother playing and most of them were not our age. Once I started my 6th grade year, I realize what a pain being fat was going to be. It all started shopping for school jeans. I realized that I had now outgrown boy jeans, but men's jeans were just too long. The only solution Wal-mart had was "Huskey" jeans. Huskeys were for fat boys. They were still too long but not as bad as the adult version. My mom said she could hem them so they would be fine. My mom was able to hem them, but since I was so short she ended up cutting off enough material that I put them on my arms and they made full sleeves. The hem was about where the knee was supposed to be, so I walked around school with tree trunks for legs. The one advantage, was I didn't need to get nice shoes, because you could see them any way. That is the year I discovered the joys of sweat pants. That shortly brought a whole new set of problems, that's for dern sure!

Funny Child

I have 2 loves in my life, my wife Laura and my daughter Emma. Well, I actually love baseball, football, golf, raquetball, poker and food. Whatever, who cares anyway. Today I wanted to give you a taste of one of my loves. That Emma's a stinker, that's for dern sure!

Hello World!!!

Have you ever started something that you knew would be a challenge for you? Something that you have no business doing due to your background and ability. Right now would be that time for me, that's for DERN sure!